If you are anything like me, hopefully you aren’t , you have this desire deep inside your heart to be used by God. This desire drives you mad with despair most times because it just does not seem that God ever does use you or even wants to use you. You may have had prophetic words given to you by others promising that God will indeed use you to do great things for the Kingdom…..you may even have heard the Holy Spirit say these things to you personally in prayer or whenever…at least you like to believe that you heard Him say such things.
I have a few notebooks full of such words from God. They sit in my garden shed in a plastic container. I don’t read them anymore…haven’t done for a long time. What’s the point of stirring up that desire when it is utterly impossible to make things happen in “your life”. And there’s the thing isnt it? You have this idea that you have “your life” with which to give God for His service. You think that God has called you and has given you gifts and wants you to give Him “your life” to serve Him with.
But the truth is you died on the cross…you no longer live. But it is Christ living inside you now….and the life that you are calling yours, is actually His life given to you. And the life you are now living is by His faith, not yours.
I struggle so much with this whole potato. I want God to use me. I want God to bless me. What I am really saying to God is that I have my own life, and He has His….and if He has given me His life, then where oh where is the fruit!!??
I refuse to believe that He has come inside me to be my life even as Colossians says He has….and when Christ who is your life shall appear, be revealed, then you also shall be revealed with/in union with Him. I refuse to rest in the faith fact, calling those things that be not as if they are, that He is using me 24/7, 365 days of the year….non stop…rivers of living water flowing out of me, being Christ Jesus to all around me, EVEN AS I AM.
Admitting that I simply cannot make anything happen….admitting that I want to be superior than others, to be the teacher, or the preacher…admitting that arrogance is not hard for me to do….But speaking the truth on the positive side is the hard/impossible thing for me to maintain and to believe. I don’t know how to stop the cycle of unbelief I am trapped inside of.
Unless God does it it will never happen….and yet I say that all is complete in me. But that has not changed a thing. I mock that I am only doing these confessions of truth so as to get what I want to happen. But God knows what and why I do these things and is way ahead of me. I treat God as an enemy who is always out to thwart me.
My desire to preach is silly, when I consider that I have nothing to say anyway. And when I also consider that I am arrogant and seeking superiority over others. I simply cannot humble myself.
So I continue in Joseph’s prison until …until I don’t know what happens. But I say “Let it be to me according to your word Lord Jesus”. Thank you for carrying me, for living as me, for being with me in this valley of striving and seeming nothingness. Thank you that your ways are not my ways. You say I am as You are in this world. I choose to believe You Lord!